I don't want to be that parent...

My child comes home and tells me that Johnny kicked him in the privates during recess and that "...nothing happened to him."  "No punishment, and he did it on purpose."  My child told me she turned her homework in and "I don't know what the teacher did with it, but I swear I turned it in!" My child just brought home a report card full of low marks and not meeting standards and "why did I not know of this sooner?"

Almost every parent has heard something similar from their school age child!  And in many cases, we are ready to go in and bang down the doors to find out why the teacher, or yard supervisor, or principal did not "do anything."  But there are a number of us who try to deal with this at home and "support" the school either because we secretly do not trust the school, so what does it matter anyway, or we "don't want to be THAT parent."  (I even hear this one from my wife!)

Well, unfortunately both the situations stated above and the parent responses are all to frequent. I am not qualified from a psychologist standpoint to tell you the biological reasons for why these things happen, but I am qualified, after 24 years in education, to give strategies to parents on how to approach the school and why it is important you do so!

So, let's use these scenarios (but really, any situation will work).  If you follow these steps, you will feel comfortable approaching the school and your child's school will be happy they have a partner (hopefully - though I tend to be a bit on the idealistic side with schools!)

1. Get clarity (as much as possible) from your child as to what the problem exactly is.  Have them repeat the story and listen for subtle changes.  Even ask them to write down notes for you.  Ask them if they want to work it out or if they need your assistance. (If they are too quick to respond that they want your help, be on the look out for landmines! This may be made up!)
2. Identify a starting point of who to speak with at the school (teacher, principal, or VP or secretary).  Ideally this person should be closest to the specific situation you are addressing, but sometimes it can be a person you have a strong relationship with and you can ask them advice on who to approach regarding your situation.
3. Whichever you choose, how you open the conversation can determine the complexity or ease with which your problem gets resolved.  
1. "I wanted to relay some information that my (son/daughter) gave me.  I'm not sure who I should speak with, but I think it is important that the school knows about it.  My child told me about (explain situation) yesterday.  Now, I wasn't there, so I don't totally know what happened, but I want to make sure I have the right info so I can assist my child and support the school in effectively handling this. (This gives the school personnel an opportunity to find out what happened and at the same time they hear a positive, supportive parent who wishes to cooperate.) (My experience is that most schools respond positively to this form of parent approach - as opposed to the nasty, long email!
2. Listen for clues to how to proceed.  If the person blows you off, then use the same approach with a person higher up the ladder and do not throw the unresponsive person under the bus.  If the person engages you but denies anything happened, ask advice on how you can follow up with your child.  If the person says they will look into it, get a specific date when they will get back to you and what you can do in the meantime to support your child. (REMEMBER:  schools cannot divulge punishments of other students to you.  do not expect to find out what happened to the student who committed any offense on your child.  It is against the law for them to tell you that information.)
4. You can complete step 3 wither in person or by phone.  Monitor your tone and be positive and cooperative even if you get a "nothing happened" reply.  Follow up in a positive tone looking for ways to help your child deal with their perceptions towards these actions.

It is important to bring these situations to the school's attention in case they do not know about it.  Though our schools make a valiant attempt at monitoring all things all the time, it is not always possible.  When a situation like those above arises, do not hesitate and immediately let the school know.  Just do so in a more partnership tone instead of an accusatory tone.  Remember, your goal is more than just resolving the issue.  You want to gain a respected partner in your child's education.  You have the ability to control the situation by using a positive tone.  In the long run, the school wants to help you and your child just as much as you do.  This may not be apparent some times, but it is true.  The more both sides begin to view difficult situations through that lens of cooperation, the greater the chance of successfully forming a positive collaborative that supports your child's needs both academically and socially.

Next Week: How to create a collaborative relationship with parents...